010180000:

the fact that not liking competition makes me feel so brutally maladjusted to this world REALLY says something about how awful everything is. i want to just BE……..i don’t need anything else……i need no recognition, no success, nothing. i just want to live without other people/my own voice that has been massively influenced by others to pressure me into thinking that simply being alive and loving isn’t enough 

bearnicorn:

bearnicorn:

i present the formula for creating excellent/strange insults:

adjective + curse word + noun

• no one asked for your opinion, you abominable shit goblin
• i fail to understand how you’ve become such a reprehensible fuck waffle
• get out of my way, you sorry excuse for an intolerable ass pastry
• i cannot believe that such an illiterate twat truck could ever be remotely polite
• maybe if you weren’t such a troublesome goddamn elbow, we could get some things done around here

i see no one has reblogged my post. is it because you undeserving fuck llamas are afraid of the truth

melcecilia14:

khaki-da:

Hector: Imelda, como se dice “un zapato” en inglés?

Imelda: A shoe.

Hector: Salud.

Imelda: 

I can barely understand Spanish and I screeched

sprachtraeume:

bigsmoike:

friendly-neighborhood-patriarch:

bigsmoike:

friendly-neighborhood-patriarch:

sighinastorm:

turtrussel:

friendly-neighborhood-patriarch:

heatandapathy:

libertarirynn:

friendly-neighborhood-patriarch:

I’m at an Italian restaurant now. They’re a local chain and my dad did good work for the founder. I told them my name and I got a private booth with a bottle of Sicilian wine “complements of the family”.

I was met by the owner and I said I was graduating law school soon. He patted me on the back and said “we might have some work for you”

What is this

You’re about to become a consigliere for The Godfather.

These words are going to be typed out by a court reporter some day.

Hardly. This isn’t the 50s

Duhnuhnuh MOB LAWYER!

I agree with Rynn!  You are being groomed to serve The Family.

They gave me a basket of cheesy bread without promoting and I don’t even have to breathe and the servers ask if I’m happy.

Let me reiterate. My dad is a doctor. He treated the wife of the founder and she responded very well. He’s a doctor. Nothing more.

A mob doctor. He fixes up gunshot wounds

He’s a Neurologist!

Gunshot wounds to the nerves

Looks like this post is gonna be evidence for a future legal case

tumbrr:

Don’t break yourself to fix someone else.

Anonymous asked: Biggest mistake you’ve done ?

abdulllahma:

Giving people more than they deserve

meaningfulsuggestion:

I dream of a life full of love, light, and laughter with you.

kues:

Comingcake

552:

my new year’s resolution is to stop

vmohlere:

tigerliliesandcherryblossoms:

tetsuskitten:

infinityonthot:

fangoddess817:

endreams-s:

writing-prompt-s:

A dating service where matching is based on people’s search history exists. You’re a serial killer. You go on a date with a writer.

Serial Killer: metaphorically, if you were to kill someone, how would you do it?

Writer: Air shot between the toes, it’ll look like a heart attack.

Serial Killer who is obviously in love already: *sucks in a breath* ok

Writer: how long would it take to die if you were to potentially stab someone in the guts

Serial killer: anywhere from 2 to 30 minutes

Writer, already bringing a ring out: *shaking* thanks

A++ addition

Writer: *shows the serial killer the murder scene they’re writing* babe, i’m not sure if this would actually work?

Serial killer: *kisses writer on the forehead and leaves, comes back later, a suspicious scent of blood coming off them* it works baby, you’re doing great

I LOVE THIS

Oh no, murder comedy is my jam